As a highly committed athlete, I have always prided myself on my sport. If you have ever heard of overcommitting to something, well that was me. I loved the sport so much, I was willing to put my physical and mental health to the test. I trained through injuries for something that was out of reach. It ultimately led me to make the hardest decision of my life and I was forced to medically retire gymnastics. However, throughout everything, I learned the importance of mental health and started a project that I hope will one day become a symbol used among the athletic community.
Welcome to my blog post about FLY- First Love Yourself! I want to use this website as a safe place to connect with my readers. Think of this as an ongoing conversation we can help each other share share stories, promote mental health, and encourage others to step out of the dark!
What Can I Say...
I’m a sucker for raising awareness towards mental health...I can sit back and say that in this decade, I have been through A LOT of pain, but so has everyone else (which I don’t know why I thought I was alone for the longest time, but I know I’m not). However, in those ten years, I also had some great things happen that I always seem to want to push away. Why? Because holding on to the things that caused me pain was easier. Now you may ask: “Why would you want to hold onto that pain?” It wasn’t that I wanted to hold onto it, but rather, it was something I was used to and comfortable with. I didn’t know how to treat myself with love as that was something unknown and scary. However, as I approached the new year, a new decade, and became another year older, I am choosing to First Love Myself and try to help others find that same message. Yes. I get it. It took me freaking TEN YEARS to finally learn how to love myself and trust me, I am annoyed it took that long, but I'm also happy that it did take that long because without the things I’ve been through, I never would have been able to start FLY. It took me nearly two years to put FLY out into the public eye, but something felt right about putting it out today. It’s hard to talk about the dark days, so how about we wear this symbol together? A symbol that says “We stand together to end the stigma around mental health!” A symbol that says “You are NEVER alone!” A symbol that represents a sense of loss, suicide, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and so much more. But hey, a girl can dream that her design becomes a universal symbol s as be goes viral for mental health and goes viral, but here’s me shooting my shot...
The Meaning Behind FLY
I don’t know how many times I’ve looked in the mirror and thought to myself “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to do this anymore” but I can say it was way too many times to count. I felt hopeless, useless, and like I had finally given up, but for some reason couldn’t seem to stop the negative thoughts from flowing. Nothing I seemed to do was right. I was always disappointing someone and always disappointing myself, but the worst part was that I couldn’t remember the last time my heart felt full. Everything about me felt wrong, yet I continued to put on a smile, go out with friends, and I would do a lot of impulsive things to try to fill that void I felt.
These past few years, have been the hardest years I have had to encounter due to many stressors, past and present, that I kept hidden from many. I had to pull myself back up from my bedroom floor, put on a smile, and carry on with my days like nothing was happening, pretending like everything that was happening to me was not actually happening to me. I’m not sure if that even makes sense. I convinced myself that my life was just a character in a book I was reading and every day was just a new page.
What became clear to me, was that I have never truly taken care of myself and to be honest, I didn’t know how to. I was always concerned with what others thought of me and I was scared to share my thoughts, my goals, dreams, and opinions. Why did I need to live in this constant state of fear of what others thought of me? Why can’t I just be myself?
What I am still trying to teach myself is that I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s okay because I prefer coffee anyway. :)
One thing I know for sure, is that no matter what I’ve been through, it was always very important for me to continue to keep going and even though I felt hopeless and wanted to give up, I knew I couldn’t and this is why. I want to help those who are struggling and surprisingly I was good at using my words to help people, but I am still learning how to listen to myself. I want to continue to help those who are struggling, especially in the athletic community. I may not have a strong, prominent voice, but I hope this idea I have can carry that message for me.
To fully understand what FLY means to me I want to break it down into sections. I apologize for the small rant, but to fully understand the point of this project, I felt it important to really break this down into sections. First of all, I think the message is pretty clear: First Love Yourself.
Black And White
I chose the colors black and white to describe the sense of loss an athlete can feel when dealing with injury, transitioning into college, or even when they retire from their sport. Many athletes say they feel lost when they encounter a situation that puts a stall on their training. The colors black and white are technically not a color. They are the absence of visible light. Just like any mental health disorder, the color black absorbs all the colors of the visible spectrum and reflects none of them to the eye. However, the color white contains all wavelengths of visible light, allowing colors to thrive.
Semicolon
The next thing that may catch your eye is the semicolon. In terms of grammar, a semi colon symbolizes when you could have ended a sentences and chose to continue the sentence. In terms of mental health, it is a strong symbol dedicated to suicide and suicidal thoughts. The semicolon symbolizes a stronger meaning than just a sentence. It symbolizes life. It symbolizes that you could have ended your life and in some type of way you may have tried or came close, but you chose to keep living. You made the decision to continue living, just to have the smallest bit of strength to hold on to the slightest bit of hope.
Eating Disorders
I originally wanted to use the symbol for eating disorders because felt very fitting in the place of the antennae of the butterfly because butterflies don't have noses. They do, however, have smell receptors on their antennae and legs. These allow butterflies to sense flowers that are full of tasty nectar so they don't waste time landing on flowers that are empty of nourishment. Unfortunately, I ran into some issues when I did want to use this symbol so I changed just created antennae's instead...However, as athletes, and more importantly, as human beings, one of the most important things for us to do is to properly fuel our bodies. We waste our time on flowers that are empty of nourishment because that is what we will ultimately become; empty and malnourished. Unfortunately, I had to take away this important symbol for now due to copyright issues.
Depression
You may have also seen the yin and yang symbol in the wings of the butterfly. This is the part of the symbol that symbolizes depression. A yin and yang symbol can be thought of as complementary (rather than opposing) forces that interact to form a dynamic system in which the whole is greater than the assembled parts. In the purpose of this project, I use the yin and yang as a reminder that there will always be a dark force and there will always be a light force; the good and the bad. It’s a symbol of balance and harmony between two opposing sides. However, it is about finding the middle ground and balance between the two forces.
Anxiety
A lot of people say they get the butterflies when they are nervous or anxious and these are what the wings of the butterfly are for. The wings symbolize the anxiety and fear a person can experience, but the wings are also meant to showcase how strong they are. The wings are very fragile, yet strong enough to support the body of the butterfly in flight. Our bodies were created to withstand more than we believe we are capable of, but if we trust our wings then we will be able to show the strength of our wings have.
The Butterfly
The reason I chose a butterfly to represent my version of mental health is because a butterfly, to me, is one of the strongest creatures out there. It's truly a fantastic mechanism developed by nature, yet while it may seem fantastic from the outside, this transformation looks pretty gruesome deep inside the chrysalis. In short, for a caterpillar to turn into a butterfly, it digests itself using enzymes triggered by hormones. Sounds pretty terrible, right? During this process, a caterpillar will stay in its chrysalis for as long as 21 days. That’s 21 days of complete isolation and complete darkness, but instead of taking that isolation and darkness into more pain, it transforms itself into a beautiful creature that everyone admires.
It takes 21 days to build or break a habit. That’s 21 days in darkness and isolation that a person can choose to break down or ask for help in becoming someone great.
Let's Inspire Together!
I am so incredibly grateful that throughout this project, I learned how to love myself and become comfortable with the person I am today as well as the person I was. Both are a part of my character and I only plan on growing and building up!
I hope that one day this symbol and this message can carry a greater meaning and help those struggling with the sense of loss, suicide, eating disorders, depression, anxiety, and any other mental health issue that needs to be addressed. Together, we can help end the stigma.
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